Crichtonstein
by Metal Gear Prime
Summary: Updated! In Chapter 2, we learn of the horrible tragedy that drove John into his chosen science...
1. Good Captain Crais

Crichtonstein

By Metal Gear Prime

Summary: The cast of Farscape play out the Mary Shelley's Frankenstein movie. Madness and death are sure to follow…

Chapter 1: Good Captain Crais 

'Twas the year 2004 when respected Peacekeeper captain and galaxy renowned lunatic Bialar Crais announced his intention to sail into the Uncharted Territories and discover intelligent life. Unsurprisingly, this declaration caused considerable uproar in the upper echelons of Sebeccan society. Intelligent life in the Uncharted Territories? Absurd! Crais soon silenced the dissenters by the simple expedient of shooting them in the head with a pulse pistol.

Crais' plan was immediately embraced soon afterwards.

Acting with the speed and ingenuity Crais constantly claimed he possessed, he swiftly recruited a crew (by capturing various people off the street and torturing them until they agreed to join his crew) and procured the mighty gunship Talyn (by stealing him when the owners weren't looking). With everything finally ready for his voyage, Crais proudly declared that he would return with intelligent life within a few solar days.

Four cycles later…

We see Talyn half buried under a mountain of snow on an uninhabited ice planet. Various crew members are trying to dig him out. We go inside Talyn as Crais and First Mate Braca enter Talyn's bridge.

CRAIS: You realize what you're saying is mutiny?

BRACA: We don't care! Four cycles we've been on this mission! Four! And we haven't seen so much as an intelligent life form! Frell it, we haven't even met an unintelligent one! The crew have delegated me to tell you that…

Braca stops as he sees Crais staring at a spot on the floor.

CRAIS: Oh look, we're standing right in the spot where your predecessor Lieutenant Teeg 'fell' and 'accidentally' broke her neck. And, just like then, there's no one else here. Hmm.

Silence.

BRACA (with false cheer): Well then! I'll just go tell those lazy frellnics to hurry up and release Talyn so we can continue our wonderful mission!

CRAIS: Good man.

As Braca (hurriedly) makes to leave, a Faceless Crew Member rushes onto Talyn's bridge.

FACELESS CREW MEMBER: Sir! I think you should take a look at this.

Two other Faceless Crew Members enter with an apparently Sebeccan male dressed in winter gear. Crais' eyes light up with glee.

CRAIS: An alien of the Uncharted Territories!

BRACA: But…sir, this man appears to be…

Crais bayonettes Braca with a glare.

BRACA (hurriedly): An alien of the Uncharted Territories. Yep, no doubt about that!

CRAIS (to Faceless Crew Member 1): Put this man in one of the finest quarters and give him the finest food we have in stock!

FACELESS CREW MEMBER 1: You mean beans on toast and a cup of Horlicks?

CRAIS: Precisely.

*****

A small distance from Talyn, we can see a leather clad hand grasp the ground with ominous intent. Back on Talyn, we see Crais approach the alien's quarters where a guard stands watch.

CRAIS: Anything?

GUARD: He woke up a quarter of an arn ago and almost immediately devoured the beans on toast. Sir, I'd wait a while before you enter if I were you.

CRAIS: Well, you're not me, are you? Open the door.

The guard nods, slipping on a gas mask before keying in the code to open the door. As it opens, Crais is immediately staggered by the fumes within.

GUARD: Told ya.

Crais gives the guard a dirty look before entering the quarters, being careful to breathe only through his mouth. The man looks up at the sound of Crais' footsteps and immediately leaps to his feet, a look of grim determination on his face.

MAN: About friggin' time! Listen, you need to mobilize your troops and come with me! We need to kill it…

CRAIS: Eh? Kill what?

MAN: What d'ya mean, 'kill what'? Didn't you see it?

CRAIS: See what? What are you talking about? And who are you?

MAN: Who am I? My name is John…(dramatic pause)…Crichtonstein.

John stares dramatically at Crais, who stares blankly back.

CRAIS: Um…who?

JOHN: What? Are you saying you've never heard of John…(dramatic pause)…Crichtonstein?

CRAIS: Not really, no.

JOHN (disappointed): …Oh.

An awkward pause follows.

JOHN: Well…I suppose I should tell you my life story now…

CRAIS: You know what? That's really not…

JOHN: My tale begins many cycles ago…

CRAIS: Frell.

To be continued…   


	2. John's Early Childhood

Chapter 2: John's Early Childhood

Flashback…

In an obscure nook in the farthest region of space lies a small planet called Erp. A wholly unremarkable planet save for two things: its fine range of alcoholic beverages (Guinness Light we love you!) and Dr. Jack Crichtonstein, the finest surgeon in the galaxy. Or at least that's what his Golden Pages ad said.

It was from the loins of this great man that John (dramatic pause) Crichtonstein was born, although it was his wife Leslie that did all the work. In fact he did bugger all, the lazy swine.

Not much happened after that, aside from hiring a housekeeper called Noranti and her daughter Chiana, a delightful little scamp who had only a slight tendency to set fire to various objects, such as the curtains, the furniture and the family parrot. Another bout of nothing much happened settled in after that, only to be broken on the morning of John's tenth birthday, when he found a large gift-wrapped present waiting for him in the dinning room. Worryingly, it was shaped exactly like a kid.

'Father! Father!' John called pointlessly, as Jack was standing right next to him. 'Pray tell, what is this?'

Jack smiled in response; those English elocution lessons were coming along nicely. 'Why don't you open it and see?' he responded, watching as John ripped the wrapping off his present, revealing a young, dark haired girl who was desperately gulping in fresh air. 

Leslie directed an icy glare at Jack. 'You forgot the air holes, didn't you?'

Mercifully for Jack, John's excited voice saved him from coming up with an excuse.

'Wow!' he said, gazing at the girl. 'This is the second best birthday ever!'

'Second?' the girl responded, eyebrow raised. 'What's the first?'

'My eight. I got a copy of Pokemon Ruby and a battery operated animatronic Mewtwo.'

'Sweet!'

'Yeah. Pity I didn't have a Game Boy Advance or batteries.'

'John', Jack said, stepping forward. 'This is Aeryn Sun. She will be staying with us from now on.'

'Really?! Wow, where'd you find her?' 

'Oh,' Jack replied, suddenly fumbling. 'Uh…you see…'

Another Flashback…

'Girl for sale! Girl for sale!' Xhalax Sun called, ringing her bell as she went. Beside her, her daughter Aeryn shivered as she jogged from foot to foot.

'Mum, can I go inside?' she pleaded. 'Far Horizons is on in a few minutes.'

'For the last time, no!' Xhalax hissed as she rung her bell at passer-byes.

'But this is the one where they finally kiss!' 

'I don't care if this is the one where they finally kiss Chrissie Yamaguchi!' Xhalax responded, looking down at Aeryn. 'You're getting sold today, young lady and that's that!'

'But why?' Aeryn asked.

Xhalax shot her daughter an incredulous look. 'Why? May I remind you are the only eight year old to ever feature on 'Erp's Most Wanted'? Your legal bills would bankrupt a thriving commerce planet.' Xhalax started to ring her bell again, only to stop with a despondent sigh.

'Oh, what's the point?' she lamented. 'I'll never find a big enough sucker to buy…'

'Excuse me,' asked Dr. Jack Crichtonstein, who happened to be strolling past. 'Did I hear that you have a girl for sale?'

Xhalax looked at Jack blankly for a moment, then broke into a grin which would've sent a Scarran running for his life. 

'Certainly sir!' she beamed. 'If you'll just come this way…'

End Flashback.

'Then what happened?' asked Chiana, who had just entered the room.

'I'd really rather not say', Jack replied. 'We have to keep this PG-13, after all…'

And with that, Aeryn Sun joined the Crichtonstein family, where the rate of happiness went up 20%, although the rate of vicious muggings and wedgie attacks went up 700% almost simultaneously. Despite this, life was good, save for John's constant electrocutions from various experiments, until our a few days after our hero's 20th birthday. For today was the day that Leslie was to give birth to an actual blood sibling to John, with Jack delivering the baby with assistance from D.K., a friend of Jack's from the hospital.

Despite the fact that his mother and future brother or sister was in as good a hands as any, John was a nervous wreck. He had already managed to wear an impressive rut into the equally impressive shaggy rug as Aeryn and Chiana watched him, the latter deciding to speak up when she saw smoke starting to rise from the rug.

'Will you sit down and relax?' she said. 'Your mother's in good hands.'

'Yeah', Aeryn agreed. 'Jack's the finest doctor in the galaxy. He'll get Leslie through okay.'

With those words of assurance, John visibly relaxed. Yes, there was nothing to…

'Actually', said Chiana reluctantly, 'I don't know about being the best. Remember Diagnosian Tocot?'

'Oh yeah, the guy who found a cure for every disease imaginable.' Aeryn replied. Then, seeing the look on John's face, she quickly added, 'But that still means that Jack is the second best surgeon in the galaxy. That's a pretty remarkable achievement.'

Just as John's renewed tension was beginning to ebb away, Aeryn's face took on a thoughtful expression as she remembered something. 

'Wait, make that third best. I just remembered that scientist from Delvia who found a way to increase everyone's lifespan by six millennia.'

'Yeah, she was pretty drad all right', Chiana agreed. 'Ooh! Remember that Luxan doctor who…'

Chiana's sentence was cut off by a low moan from John, who resumed his worried pacing at double speed.

As it turned out, John's fears were purely groundless, as Jack and D.K. watched Leslie enter the final stage of labor.

'I can see the head!' D.K. yelled excitedly, his voice almost audible over Leslie's grunts and heavy breathing.

'You're doing great, honey!' Jack said to Leslie. 'Just keep breathing!'

Despite the pain she was currently in, Leslie managed to shoot Jack an impressive incredulous stare. 

'Keep breathing, you say? What an excellent idea! Thank god I have you here to tell me to keep frelling breathing, otherwise I would've asphyxiated years ago! Bravo, Captain Obvious!'

Jack quickly directed his gaze to the emerging child. One of these days he would learn not to give useless advice to women in the middle of childbirth. It was just too dangerous.

As he finished this line of thought, Leslie delivered the final big push, depositing the baby into Jack's arms. As D.K. snipped the umbilical cord, Jack gazed in wonder at the little miracle in his arms. The baby, a boy, had dark green skin, a somewhat tubby body and even a white moustache and goatee.

'Is the baby okay?' Leslie asked, worry evident in her voice. 'I can't hear him crying.'

Just as Leslie finished speaking, a sound like air escaping from a balloon emerged from the baby and continued for well over three minutes. When the sound had finally finished, the baby looked at Jack and giggled with glee.

'He's fine, Leslie', Jack replied happily, his voice at a much higher pitch than usual. 'Say hello to your new son.'

Jack handed the baby to Leslie, who looked at him with tears of joy in her eyes.

'What're you going to call him?' D.K. asked, his voice as high as Jack's.

'We'll call him…Rygel.' Leslie murmured squeakily, staring at her boy in delight.  

It was then that D.K. made the biggest mistake of his life.

'This calls for a celebratory cigar!' he said, whipping out a large Havana and placing it between his lips. As he lit the cigar Jack realized, too late, what the gas Rygel had released was. 

'No, you fool!' Jack screamed. But alas, his voice was already helium-heightened, so the scream was practically silent as D.K. lit the cigar and…

BOOM!

*****

Present day, on board Talyn…

'They said you could hear the explosion from the city center', John said, his voice breaking. 'Only my father and Rygel survived that terrible day.'

As John covered his eyes and wept, Crais stared in mute shock. He couldn't have just heard what he just heard. Not in that context, surely.

'Forgive me for asking', he said, not believing what he was about to ask, 'but are you saying that your mother and your father's best friend were killed…by your baby brother's _farting_?

'Yes' John replied, his eyes red.

'I see', Crais said, rising from the bench opposite John. He could feel the irresistible onrush of hysterical laughter building up within him and he didn't want to insult his guest. 'I, ah, believe that it's time for me to, uh, inspect Talyn's…navigational systems. Yes, those systems can be quite, um, tricky to fix if they break down. Can we continue this at another time?'

'Fine' John replied, lying on his bunk. 'I could do with a few Zs anyway.'

'Excellent', Crais replied as he bolted out of the room and down the corridor, occasional bursts of giggles escaping from his mouth. Even if Braca's observation that Crichtonstein wasn't an actual alien of the Uncharted Territories proved to be the case, the stories of his past were bound to be the stuff comedy writers could only dream of…

To be continued… 

I have no idea if helium is flammable or not. It probably isn't, but for the sake of humor (?) I magically make it so. Wheee!        


End file.
